Category: Health

Every cloud

#bipolar, Depression, embroidery, Health, Mental Health, Movies, Sewing, Stress, Thoughts, Time

This weekend has been nice. Low-key, home alone, and best of all: not sick as fuck.

I made myself retrospect a little too much, though. I was cruising Netflix, looking for something to watch, when I found a good movie. Silver Linings Playbook. Excellent flick, great acting….and maybe a little too real.

Being bipolar, I feel this movie on a visceral level. No, I’m not quite like Pat. Or Tiffany. Not really. I’ve never been hospitalized for my emotional state, never been that far off. But yeah, I’ve missed work over my mental state before. I’ve obsessed over failed relationships, I’ve written nutball letters/texts/emails to my exes, I’ve been the “backup.” I’ve slept around because my depression had me down, or because my mania had me horny. I’ve quit taking my meds more than once. So maybe I’m bits of Pat and Tiffany. I’m Piffany.

I’ve been doing okay for a while now. Well, mostly okay. I mean, I get depressed sometimes. I get manic. I’ve been on an embroidery kick this weekend, and I’m pretty sure it’s not completely deadline-induced. I’m probably manic. I mean, I’m tearing through these embroidery projects, stopping briefly to eat or go to the bathroom or take a catnap. But mainly I’ve been embroidering. To the point of dry skin and calluses on my fingertips.

The whole Pat thing happened to my brother a few years ago. Not the beating-a-man-almost-to-death thing, but the bad ending to a bad relationship that ultimately resulted in him being committed. I won’t go into it too much here, because it’s his story not mine, but it was scary to watch.

It was even scarier knowing that our great-grandfather died of psychosis. “Exhaustion in the progression of psychosis”–that was the CoD on his death certificate. He was so fucking crazy it killed him.

Since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before my brother was, I always assumed that was my eventual fate. Then my brother got diagnosed, and combined with his substance abuse issues he’s way worse off than me. He had his psychotic break in his mid-40s….the same age good ol’ Great-Granddad was when he died.

My brother didn’t die. We’ve got better meds now, better tech, better treatments. But guess what? This year I turn 40. Now, like I said, I’m not as bad off as my brother. So I’m not necessarily on a timeline here. The past doesn’t have to repeat itself. Maybe my brother’s incident was the repetition, and I’ll be passed over. Like the Christian thing. I dunno–I’m not the religious type. But maybe I don’t have to dread my mid-40s. Maybe I don’t have to go go go, to push myself so much, to worry about whether or not I’ll make it long enough to do the things I want to get done.

I want to finish my sci-fi series. I want to finish the collaboration I’m working on. I want to learn more about making garb and clothes and embroidery and get good enough at researching it all to become a Laurel. I want to learn more rapier techniques and practice enough to be good at them. And I want to lose this weight I’ve gained. I want so many things, and I think the back of my brain is telling me “You’ve got a few years left. Five, six max. You need to hurry up. You need to get your shit together while you have the mental capacity to do it.”

I gotta get that out of the back of my head. I gotta tell myself that there’s no deadline to insanity, that it’s not written. It’s not predestined. I don’t have to go crazy. I can stay sane, stay mostly stable, stay me.

I also have a secret weapon: my husband. Even if I do go crazy, I have him to keep me alive, to keep me from going so far down the hole that I can’t crawl back up.

That’s it. That’s my silver lining. That’s my ace in the hole.

Five or six years. I pass that, and I win. I beat history.

Like minds

#books, #publishing, Friendship, Health, Horror, Novel, Sci-fi, Writing

So the collaboration I’ve been talking about? It’s going great! I already knew that I had a lot in common with the other author, but we’re really getting into a rhythm here with this story that’s coming out of nowhere. It’s going very paranormal horror. I’m digging the story so far.

To give credit where it’s due, she wrote the prologue, which was originally intended as a short story. Well, we got to talking about how alike we are, and next thing you know we’re turning that prologue into a cool story.

Our minds seem to sync up with each other. It’s almost creepy how we just come up with similar plotlines independent of each other. And this is someone I’ve never spoken to in person (or even on the phone). Wild.

Oh, and my co-author? Angelique Jordonna. Look for her book, Dani, coming soon from http://www.rhetaskewpublishing.com. I’ve read it (yay for author sneaky-peeks!), and it’s amazing. It’s really going to be something to pick up. Trust me.

And yep, another Askew author. 🙂 We connected as fellow Askewians, and after chatting on Facebook for a while we realized how similar we are–we even wrote similar books. If you liked Whispers of Death, you’ll probably like Dani–and vice versa. 😉

We had a little bit of fun with our Editor in Chief when we got started with the new book, because Angelique is just that fun (and because hey, I’m game). She had our EiC guessing who her collaborator was, and it took a good week before she finally guessed it. Don’t get me wrong–it was all in good fun, and our EiC thought it was hilarious. The Messenger exchanges were especially funny…

I’m drawing a blank on Book 3 for now, but I think it’s because I’m not sure if I’m infodumping or not. Sometimes I get carried away with that, and I’m second guessing myself. Also, I can’t decide where to end the first chapter. I want to end it at a place where the reader wants to keep reading, but I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll come up with something for it soon. The weird thing is, I have a line I know I want in the book, but I’m not sure if it’s too early to use it yet. It’s one of those lines that’s like yeah, that would be awesome! Now I need to write the spot it goes in….

The bronchitis is inching its way out of my system, a little delayed by my forgetfulness with the medicines. I got them last night (thank you, Jeanette, for going out of your way to get my antibiotics and RA pills and crazy pills) so I’m back on the antibiotics, but I don’t know how far the two missed doses will set me back. I definitely had a hard time with the breathing and the coughing yesterday, but this morning I’m not coughing quite as much…which is good, because I seem to have misplaced my purse. I put it down when I got to the place we’re staying this weekend, but I have no clue where it went after that. It was in one place when I went to sleep, and it is clearly in another place now. So it’s a good thing I don’t need a cough drop too desperately right now, but I’ll have to find that purse as soon as my husband’s up to help me look. It has my inhaler, my keys, my wallet–my life, pretty much.

Well, missing bags, belated meds, and writer’s block aside, the weekend’s going okay. I’ll be glad to have a few free weekends coming up to chill and not be going going going. Then will come the insanity that is Estrella.

Absent mind

#bipolar, anxiety, autoimmune, Health, Mental Health, Sleep, Stress

I thought I was all set for this weekend out of town. I had my garb set aside, my “naked” clothes, my toiletries, my embroidery, my laptop, my shoes, rapier gear, tankard, and even my writing/author organizer binder just in case. All of that….. and I forgot my pills.

Not just one pill, or just certain ones. All. Of. Them. I have cough drops in my purse, and that’s it as far as pharmaceuticals go. No mood stabilizer. No Adderall. No antidepressant. No arthritis meds. No sleeping meds. No fucking antibiotics for this lingering bronchitis. Not even a single Benadryl in case I get stung.

I can’t believe I totally, completely forgot all of my medicine. I’ll admit, sometimes I forget to take a set of doses–Maybe I’m out too late, and by the time I get home it’s past a reasonable time to take my night meds without fear of having trouble waking up the next day. Maybe I’m in a hurry and forget to take my morning handful before I leave the house. But two whole days without anything?

I’m so going to regret this.

There might still be hope. Our roommate might go to the same city we’re headed to this weekend (but not to the same event)… so if she’s feeling generous maybe I can talk her into grabbing the pill case before she leaves home and meeting us up somewhere for the “drop.”

I hope.

If not, the withdrawal’s gonna suck.

Keepin’ it real (kinda)

Exercise, Fitness, Health, Makeup, Social Media, Weight loss, Work

Most of the time I’ve been doing “author stuff” lately (profile pictures on various social media sites, Tucson Comic Con, etc), I’ve been wearing the Phoenix wig by Arda Wigs (no sponsorship, just giving credit). Well, today I thought I’d change things up and have a picture of just me. 🙂

Okay, not just me. Me with makeup. Kinda.

I’ve posted an eye makeup tutorial on here before (the same eye makeup that I do when I’m wearing the Phoenix wig), but this is a little different. This here is about as made-up as I get–minus the occasional bit of lipstick or lip stain.

Why bother posting this? Well, I thought I’d let you see the “real” me a little bit. Sure, I’ve posted selfies on here before (and on the other social media sites), but today I was feeling cute and confident after putting on some mascara, brow powder, and eye shadow. Even with my glasses on, my eyes look good. And what self-respecting narcissist would let an opportunity to look good on multiple sites go to waste? 😉

I have to leave for work soonish. This week is all topsy-turvy, and I feel like today’s a Thursday even though it’s Wednesday. That’s not good, because it means the next few days are going to drag. It didn’t help matters that I got my phone out in my sleep and set my 0230 alarm on it. I could’ve “slept in” a little more. Lol

Makeup aside, I need to focus on getting the rest of me presentable. Seeing as how I had to make new garb to have something to wear at Estrella War, it’s high time I start getting serious about losing weight. I keep saying that, but I think I might mean it here soon. (Gotta work up the nerve to make myself behave when coworkers bring in goodies or something.) I wish I could get up the nerve to go work out with my friends, because I know they’d welcome and encourage me, but this narcissist is not comfortable working out in public, and my friends have moved to a local gym. A brand-new gym. With reasonable prices. And it’s right after New Year’s, so you know people will be going to that gym more frequently at least for this first month or so. Resolutions and all that.

I guess that’s all. I’m in the midst of a coughing fit and it’s almost time to leave for work, so I should log off and get a cough drop. Bronchitis is almost out of my system, but not quite yet.

Trial and Error: Thumbnail Not Found

#books, #dystopian, #publishing, Abnormal, Celebrity, Critique, Health, Marketing, Novel, Sci-fi, Sleep, Social Media, Work, Writing

Despite my illness, the past 24-48 hours have been relatively productive. I’ve sewn two new garb pieces (the tunic I mentioned before, and an underdress to wear with my apron dress now that the underdresses I have don’t fit my sausage arms), made progress on the royal embroidery for the King and Queen of Atenveldt, done as much cleaning around the house as my lungs would allow, and, oh yeah, started a Twitter experiment.

Let me explain the experiment: There’s an author, Dea Poirier, who I follow on Twitter. I ran across a couple tweets of hers yesterday offering advice to fellow authors, and I decided to try her method and see what comes of it. Here’s what she said:

Screenshots courtesy of Dea Poirier and my phone.

It was a long thread, so I’m not going to post the whole thing, but these were the important bits. What did I do this morning? Well, I played copycat…in more ways than one.

You see, it had never occurred to me to make bitly links to the various places I can be found…so I’d never made them. Shorten all those links, though, and man, it makes it easy to find me. Observe:

Granted, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to get it to show the thumbnail for the Amazon buy link instead of my Amazon author page, but I’ll take what I can get at this point. I mean, I must’ve deleted and rewritten/reorganized the tweet some half dozen times before I gave up. (Hence this post title.) Lol

We’ll see how it affects my various pages and their traffic. Who knows? Maybe you’re reading this because you saw my tweet and decided to look at my site. Maybe you checked out the link to Abnormal. Maybe you’ll come across this post and decide to check out my Twitter. Or Facebook. Or Instagram. Couldn’t hurt anything, right?

I think the publisher’s going through Book 2 right now. The Creative Director asked how I’d prefer to receive my story edit suggestions (changes made for me vs actual suggestions/guidelines), so I think she’s on her way to tearing into my carefully-worded not-quite-masterpiece. And that’s okay. It needs some tearing into. I won’t improve if I don’t get these suggestions from those who know better than I.

In sickness news, the cough persists and continues to wake me up at night. I get winded with minimal physical exertion. My voice is raspy. Regardless of these facts, I’m headed back into work today to play catch-up and to, y’know, work. I’ve actually missed work these days in isolation. Crazy, I know.

Speaking of work, maybe I can get some more shuteye before I have to get ready…if, that is, I don’t wake up coughing my lungs out.

Sicko’s Log: 24 Hours Alone

#design, #nerd, costuming, Crafting, embroidery, Food, Geek, Health, Home, Novel, Plus size, SCA, Sewing, Sleep, Thoughts, Time, Writing

It’s been about a day since I got home from the pharmacy after spending almost four hours at the doc-in-the-box. What has a day alone been like? Let’s see…

I slept off and on quite a bit. I got a lot of progress made on my royal embroidery project. I wrote a chapter in one book and tweaked another chapter in a different book. I ate–a LOT. (Apparently bronchitis is not having an adverse effect on my appetite.) I watched several movies on Netflix. I listened to music. Somewhere in there, I had brief human contact when a friend came by to pick up my car to take it to my husband, who is out of town. Oh, and I’ve nearly completed a new Viking tunic for myself to wear at Estrella War.

I’m kinda proud of myself for that last one. Eyeballed the whole thing (I know, there are garb makers out there cringing), and only really had to make one small adjustment… more for comfort than anything, really, as it still would have fit, just been really big on me. I plan on adding trim woven by my husband (hint, hint honey) later on, as well as some embroidery done by yours truly.

Sure, if I wasn’t manic with pent-up energy from being confined to the house for over 24 hours, I might have stopped and done the embroidery prior to assembling the tunic. But no, I had it in my head that I was going to make a tunic, and that’s just what I’m doing.

I’ve got color blocking and front and back facing and top stitching and a whole bunch of stuff that I’ve never done without a pattern before. That, of course, has not deterred me. I took the fabric I had, looked at what it could become, and went with it.

I’ve still got to stitch on the sleeves and side gores, but it’s almost done. All in all, not bad for twenty four hours of mind-numbing solitude.

I’ve got maybe another day or so before my husband gets home. I’ve got some cleaning up to do around the house, but I’m wondering if I can swing an underdress before he’s back…..

Follow me on Instagram to see how the tunic turned out!

Stir crazy

#publishing, Crafting, embroidery, Flash Fiction, Health, Holiday, Home, Insomnia, New Year, Novel, SCA, Sewing, Sleep, Television, Writing

It’s not even 24 hours since I got back from urgent care–hell, not even 12 hours–and I’m already going mad puttering around the house.

The first few hours were okay. I sat in the dark and coughed until my throat was raw. Then I coughed some more. I stayed up until my friend came to pick up the car to take to my husband in Tucson (he’d gotten a ride up there, and until the doc-in-the-box diagnosed me with the bronchitis I already knew I had, I was going to be his ride home), and then I slept for a few hours. Woke up at my usual nothing-in-the-morning, and surprisingly felt a lot better. Cough isn’t as prolific. Sinuses aren’t draining. I can breathe better. It’s amazing what a little antibiotic pill will do, given time to work.

Speaking of work, the next couple of months are going to suck. I’ve got to use all my PTO to fill up as much of the past two weeks as I can, so when Estrella War comes I won’t have as much available to use. It’s gonna be tight money-wise until I catch up from this mess. I missed two and a half days this week from sickness, and a full day from the holiday. Add in the fact that I had very few hours last week because of the holidays, and it equals a crap paycheck.

Even though I kind of feel a bit better now, I don’t want to risk making things worse by doing too much. There’s a lot of cleaning to do around the house, but I have to remind myself that I am still sick and I shouldn’t be overdoing things. Still, I’ll try to get the house straightened up as well as I can before my husband comes home.

I’d say that this is good for my writing, but I can’t focus very long at a time to be able to compose things. I’ve got a bit of attention deficit right now, whether brought on by the NyQuil or the sickness or who knows what. I’ll embroider for like twenty minutes, write for twenty or thirty, stare at the screen daydreaming for an hour, and repeat the cycle. Now I’m cruising Netflix in search of mindless fluff to watch. The first show I picked–Diabolo–was too full of cheese. I couldn’t finish even one episode, let alone binge a season. So I’m on to Coraline now. Never seen that one through to the end, and a movie’s easier on the attention span. Don’t have to remember what happened in the last episode.

I feel bad that I’m missing my husband’s second time being feast steward for an SCA event. I wanted to be there to support him, but I need this time at home to recoup.

Maybe later today I’ll have a story to give you. I might drudge up some prompt or other, either a stock photo or a Pinterest prompt to get the creative juices flowing.

Pan’s Labyrinth! That’s the ticket. I can listen to the Spanish while I do other stuff and let the visuals seep into my subconscious. Then, when I’m in the proper mindset, I can drum up some new writing.

The persistent plague

#books, #dystopian, #publishing, costuming, Crafting, Health, Home, Novel, SCA, Sci-fi, Sewing, Sleep, Writing

Took yesterday off work. Took today off too. I’m still pretty sick, and nothing seems to help for very long.

Our roommate finished the Persian garb for me, bless her heart, and she even adjusted my husband’s coat when it turned out that the one I made was too big. I’m really grateful… I need to think up something nice to do for her.

I’ll have most of the day to myself today. Hubby works a couple of hours, but then he and our roommate are going to Tucson for the weekend’s event. He’s organizing a huge Middle Eastern feast, so he’s got a lot to do. Me? I’m going to show up at the event and wear my garb and maybe make a last-minute scarf to cover my mouth when I’m not eating, because I don’t really want to get anyone else sick.

Normally right now I’m on the couch, writing or something, but this morning I’m back in bed after reading the most current chapter in the collaboration I’m working on. I’ll write my chapter later today. Now I rest.

The cough is dry yet not. I still can’t catch my breath, and my sinuses are a hot mess. I’ve got a vaporizer going above me on the headboard (courtesy of the roommate–I really need to get her something nice), and I’ve got NyQuil freshly on board.

Tomorrow I’ll be better. (I’m mostly trying to convince myself here.) The cough won’t give me a headache any more, and I’ll be able to breathe.

I’m not sure I’ve convinced myself yet. But one thing I know for sure: I’ll get my chapter done, plus some work on Book 3. Gotta keep working on at least one front, even if it’s not by-the-hour work.

I realize that I’m rambling. Sorry. Guess the NyQuil is taking effect. Good. More sleep. That’s what I need.

New year, wrong foot.

Health, Holiday, New Year

2019 has barely begun, and already it sucks. I mean, nobody I know has died, no huge catastrophes that I’m aware of, but I woke up this cold and snowy New Year’s Day with a sore throat. As the day wore on, it escalated to a full-blown cold. Coughing, difficulty breathing, and now that I’ve stopped going going going for the day my nose is starting to clog.

The timing sucks. Sure, I still was able to get the Persian pirihan and coat for my husband almost completely finished (the coat still needs the buttons and loops), but I’m suffering.

My plan of attack is to take all the meds I have in my arsenal to combat this, plus some soup and orange juice. Cough drops, generic cough syrup (day and night), and rest when I’m not working.

I really hope work doesn’t end up being an issue. We can’t afford for me to be sick now. Like, literally can’t afford it.

I’ll get over this, just like I always do. I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, and be hoarse for a couple of weeks. That’s how this usually goes.

But next year, I’m taking zinc or something.

Goal!

#books, #design, #dreams, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Age, Birthday, Celebrity, costuming, Crafting, embroidery, Exercise, Fitness, Geek, Health, Holiday, Home, Insomnia, Marketing, Mental Health, Musings, New Year, Novel, Plus size, Promotion, SCA, Sci-fi, Sewing, Sleep, Social Media, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Weight loss, Work, Writing

It’s that time of year again–time to set the new year’s goals/”resolutions” and reflect on where the old year took me.

Let’s start with 2018. 2018 was a long, full year of firsts and new triumphs. I went to my first Estrella War, moved into my first house, published my first novel, submitted my first sequel…. Sure, there were moments when I wanted to rip my hair out, but overall it hasn’t been too bad.

What do I need to do for this year? Let’s take a look (in no particular order):

-Get Book 2 in the bag and on the shelves. Yeah, I’ve got the first draft submitted and the first round of revisions (in before the new year!), but, as I’ve learned, there’s so much more to getting a novel published than simply writing it. Lol

-Take it easy on the SCA events so I can have time for other projects–to include my writing. I’ve been overdoing it entirely too much, and I need to pull back and reevaluate where I’m going in the SCA and how fast I want to get there.

-Finish the draft for Book 3 and polish it for submission. This is kind of a given. I have to keep them rolling while I still have story to tell, and the further ahead I get the easier it will be to stay on top of the writing game.

-Remember to keep marketing Abnormal. I can’t stop just because the book’s been out a few months now.

-Start a collaboration project. Because yeah. I need more on my plate. Lol

-Get more organized at work and get ahead of that game as well. I’ve got charts piled up, and they won’t stop coming any time soon.

-Focus on health. I need to zero in on what I should prioritize health-wise to take care of myself. Walk more? Eat less? Sure, but what then? I’m the biggest I’ve ever been, and at this rate it’ll be hell to try to fit into all of my garb for this year’s Estrella War. As it is, I’ve got all of a month and a half to drop a few pounds and squeeze into the garb I have–or to alter the garb I have/make new garb. Either way, I’d better get on the ball.

-Be more assertive with my needs. I can’t keep trying to please other people. I have things I need to be physically and mentally sound, and setting those things to the side so other people aren’t disappointed won’t do me any good in the long run.

That’s all I have for now, but I’m sure I’ll come up with more. Right now, I’m trying to focus after a three-hour night’s sleep…and right now, my brain has fewer tabs functioning than my web browser.

Oh, and one more thing about 2019–it’s gonna bring me the big 4-0! That’s right, I’ll be 40 this summer. Will I have a midlife crisis? Will I sail through? Who knows? The fun’s in finding out!

Here’s to making 2019 my bitch!