Category: Health

Mixed Feelings

Fitness, Health

Well, I’m not gaining any weight. Unfortunately, I’m not losing any, either.

I’ll admit I haven’t been eating right all the time. Or exercising…much. But I *have* been trying. Baby steps, right?

Or not. I feel like I’m depriving myself yet again when I have a salad instead of a sandwich. The smoothies are satisfying, but a pain to make (especially since I have to make them when my husband is off the clock because the blender is so loud). So much easier to grab an ice cream sandwich out of the freezer instead.

I want to eat better. I really do. But I don’t. Not really. Does that make sense?

*Sigh* What I wouldn’t give for my 22-year-old self’s metabolism. That would be great. Too bad life happens. You get older, you aren’t able to eat the things you used to without consequences. When I was in my first year of college, I could take a box of Oreos, a tub of Cool Whip, and an hour or so just eating away. Fudge Rounds go well dipped in Cool Whip, too. And eating frosting straight out of the tub? Yep, I did that, too, with no weight gain. Ah, memories.

I don’t know what needs to change–inside my head or out–to get me to behave. Some major health crisis? I’ve already injured my knee six months ago after a two mile walk. That alone should have been enough to make me wise up and work out, but sadly it just got me more depressed that I couldn’t even walk to the grocery store and back without having a problem. Depression is not a great motivator.

I have a little more than two months until Phoenix Comicon to at least somewhat shape up. Can I do it? I’m doubting myself more each day, but maybe I can lose a few pounds. Maybe.

When your dreams betray you

Depression, Health, Mental Health

Dreams are great, for the most part. You can meet celebrities, travel wherever you want to go, be another person … fuck, if you want to you can fly.

Then come those dreams that aren’t so great. I had one of those just now.

Before I write about that, a little backstory for you:

I’m bipolar. It’s under control for the most part, but it’s there. It might even run in the family; I’m no doctor, so I can’t say 100% for sure. Nature versus nurture and all that. But I have family was has been committed and I’m a direct descendant of a man who died in an institution. The cause of death? “Exhaustion in the progression of psychosis.” Now, I don’t think about this much and haven’t in a long time, but at times it does come to the forefront and it troubles me.

This morning it more than troubled me. It terrified me.

The dream started innocently enough. I was at work, and I was about to check the blood sugar of a patient who was getting very lightheaded and becoming incoherent.

Then the shit it the proverbial fan. I got in trouble for not using the right sterile technique (even though I ended up not doing the blood sugar check–the patient’s friend did) and then my boss started yelling at me for a multitude of things I had done wrong, including not decorating one of the rooms in the office properly (hey, it was a dream, okay?) and boring everyone with little factoids I kept talking about.

Then she had me committed.

It was terrifying. I could only see my husband for a short while, during visiting hours, and I couldn’t see my family at all. The kitchen fucked up my dinner–they didn’t tell me my food was ready and the macaroni and cheese got cold to the point where it was inedible. So there I was, all alone except for the other patients (who wouldn’t talk to me), and all I could think was I wasn’t allowed to see my husband and my family and how devastatingly sad I was that all of my coworkers thought the things I said were boring. It may not sound that bad, but remember, in dreams things can seem more real than reality.

That’s when I woke up sobbing uncontrollably, and my husband woke up for a moment to find out what was wrong.

I’m still crying a little bit, more than half an hour later.

This dream just hit me like a freight train. I haven’t thought about the familial mental health issues in what seems like forever, and work has been going pretty well. The last couple of days (when I was in charge because my boss was on vacation) went fine. So why did my subconscious betray me?

It’s hard to say. Sometimes dreams just pull stuff from the deepest part of your mind and bombard you with ghosts that you thought you had exorcised.

I’ve stopped crying now, but I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to sleep. I don’t want to end up on that little cot in the asylum again anytime soon.

Lazy Thursday Morning…for now

Health, Mental Health, Musings, Thoughts

It’s morningtime before work, and usually I’m trying to be somewhat productive: writing, drawing, cosplay work, something. Today? Today I’m kind of just messing around on the Internet.

Sure, I have a news post to type up, but that won’t take me long. It’s just so nice to sit here, warm with my blankets and sweatshirt, and just be.

Do you ever take the time to just be? To forget that the world is spinning out of control and just be content in who you are and what you’re doing with your life? It’s surprisingly tough. We live in a society where not doing something is considered lazy, but it’s very important to take the time to focus on you every so often.

I’ve got some music to listen to, but otherwise I’m just existing. (Okay, so I’m typing up this post at the same time–hard to write about just existing while just existing.)

Of course, for some people just existing isn’t quite enough. Some people thrive on constant movement, constant activity, constant action. Me? I can handle it, but every once in a while I need to just be.

Take the time this weekend to just exist for a while. Zone out. Zen out. Whatever you have to do to connect with who you are. You’ll thank me for it later.

Here We Go Again

Health

Just when I thought I was over all the illness I had a couple of weeks ago, yesterday my throat started hurting. More specifically, the right side of my throat and tongue. So swallowing is a bitch, yawning is a bitch, pretty much any movement of my mouth is a bitch.

I can’t afford to call out from work–literally can’t afford it, but figuratively as well. So, having no fever, I will go in today. But I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to get back to sleep. It’s now one o’clock in the morning and I’ve been up for about an hour, tossing and turning for longer than that. I just can’t sleep with this pain.

Tried sucking on ice, but that didn’t do much. Now my tongue feels numb and painful at the same time, if that’s even possible. Cough syrup with codeine makes no difference. Next up: analgesic cough drops. Of course, we all know how well those work.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly sick all the time. Christmas weekend, then two weeks later, then two or three weeks after that, and now again. Whatever this shit is, it can stop at any time. Really. Just stop. I’m not sure i can mentally handle being sick again. I was doing so well for so long! This is disappointing to say the least. I haven’t even taken my methotrexate in two weeks (it has an immunosuppressant effect). Can this shit seriously go away now?

Smooth over that belly

Fitness, Health

I’ve started a new “diet” this week. I hate calling it a diet, because I associate that word with depriving yourself of the things you love. Instead, I’m adding something I love to my routine and cutting back on junk.

We recently got a blender for the apartment, and I thought to myself, “You idiot, you love smoothies! Make some damn healthy smoothies & stop eating junk for lunch every day.”

So far, so good. Every day that I’ve made a smoothie for work, I’ve been able to resist the temptation of snacks & baked goods in the break room & just drink my fruits & veggies. And they’re good. I mean they’re not only good for me, but they taste delicious. Pretty easy to make, too. A splash of milk, handful of some kind of veggie, handful or 2 of some fruit, a tablespoon (roughly) of peanut butter–for protein–and a small cup of yogurt to top it off. All things I like, but I have trouble forcing myself to eat fruits & veggies by themselves. This is a way to get myself to eat healthier & enjoy it.

I still eat junk from time to time. An ice cream sandwich here or there if we have them in the apartment. A frozen pizza for dinner if the hubby’s not cooking anything (I know, I know, I could have another smoothie instead, but I’m still not sure how long I can go between meals when I have a smoothie. It seems to work between lunch & dinner, but I don’t know if it would get me through the night.)

What sparked this diet change? I am sick and tired of being fat and gross. I know it’s adversely affecting my health–even though I can’t necessarily feel it–but it’s mostly the shame of seeing myself in the mirror when I’m getting ready for the day. I need to lose my flabby belly. Yes, I know, I need to exercise as well…but baby steps, man, baby steps. I am a creature of habit, so I need to make small changes to my routine until they’re ingrained. Then they’ll be easier to keep up with.

I’m hoping to be at least 20 pounds lighter by Comicon. It’s a lofty goal, but I have three months and a lot of determination. And a blender.

Sick and Tired of Writer’s Block

Health, Novel, Writing

My new manuscript has been stalled for pretty much a solid month or more, and I didn’t really know where to start–or rather, restart. The first few chapters were paced wrong, and there was a character in there that really wasn’t integral to the story. He was just kind of shoved in there.

So, how do I start over? Do I keep what I have and revise the hell out of it? Do I start from scratch? What do I do? So I spent a month weighing my options and trying to make up my damn mind.

Today, I was finally able to restart the manuscript from the beginning, and I think it’s turning out pretty well. The odd thing? I was only able to start writing again after being incredibly sick for nearly a week. Is it my muse returning … or is it the promethazine-codeine cough syrup? I may never know…

Regardless of where the surge in creativity is coming from today, I’m taking full advantage. Are these three chapters any better than the three previously-written ones? Not necessarily, but it’s a better start. I have a better place to build from. My word count sucks for these chapters compared to the other ones, but I think the story is stronger and I can make it into something more with revisions later down the road. This particular rocky start is a better rocky start than the rocky start I started with. Or something.

Will this mean that I’ll have my first draft by the end of the year as I had hoped? Maybe, maybe not. But it does mean that I have momentum again, and momentum is much needed right now.

Maybe this illness has been a blessing in disguise, a sign to myself to take stock of what’s going on in my life and take a step back. I’ve been stretching myself a bit thin, not having any days where I’m not doing anything, and this small break, doctor-advised though it may be, has shown me that if I can relax I can accomplish more. Yesterday I did almost nothing work-related (with the exception of inking one drawing and scanning in the others for a commission I’ve been a part of), and it felt great. No writing. No cosplay. No sculpting. Just catching up on living life–although I was living part of it in the doctor’s waiting room.

And now, back to codeine-induced inspiration!

Plagued

Health, Holiday

Here it is again. Another nasty cold. Happy Valentine’s day to me.

I am grateful that I have a caring husband who makes sure I get enough rest, but it really kills the Valentine’s mood.

I feel like Typhoid Mary. I probably spread this virus throughout half of Tucson yesterday despite my efforts to cover my cough and use cough drops to try to prevent said cough. Note that I said “try.”

It’s not really all that bad, I guess. I’m functional. I can make it through the day. I’m not literally dying. There are people worse off than I. But I can still bitch and moan on occasion, right?

I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I had gone so long without any real illness (besides the RA), and now three bugs in less than two months. This one isn’t as bad as what I had over Christmas weekend–Good Goddess, that was horrible–but it still sucks.

Time to take better care of myself. I’m planning on starting either a smoothie or juicing diet of sorts to get more nutrients. I really don’t eat very healthy, so maybe some fruits and veggies will help build the old immune system.

For now, though, time for a restful nap between laundry loads.

I don’t have the will(power)

Depression, Exercise, Fitness, Health

I don’t know how people do it. They set a goal to lose weight, they work hard, and they do it. They lose the weight.

I’m not that type of person. I can try to my little heart’s content, but I just fail miserably every time. I can’t stick to anything I set my mind to, diet- and exercise-wise. I was doing semi-okay a few months ago, going to the small gym at the apartment complex a few mornings a week to work on the exercise bike, but then I started being extra sleepy in the mornings and didn’t have the energy to walk over there. Also, it’s cold as hell out there in the mornings now.

Holidays never help with weight loss. Food everywhere. And the people with the willpower all say, “Oh, I can’t eat that, I’ll get fat.” And of course I think, “Well, I’m fat already and it’s just going to go to waste, so why not? What’s the point, anyway?” Kind of a defeatist attitude, but there ya go. That’s my “dieting” life.

Once the weather warms up a bit (thank you, Arizona, for warming up fast) I’m going to try to get back into some sort of exercise routine. Walks in the mornings (if it’s light enough out) or the apartment gym. I’m going to try to cut back on my snacking and my portions. Find something to occupy myself when I have a craving or get bored, rather than head to the kitchen.

I’m going to try. I can’t guarantee my success, but I’m going to try. I hate seeing my arms wiggle as I write on the charts at work. Makes me wish I didn’t have good peripheral vision. I also hate seeing myself in the mirror. Wider and wider. It’s disheartening and deflating.

I’m going to try.

No.

I’m going to do it.

It might take a while, but I’m going to do it.

Dead to the World

Art, Cosplay, Drawing, Health, Novel, Sewing, Work, Writing

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted, I know, but I was kinda half dead. Okay, a little dead. Dead enough that I didn’t want to write or do much of anything.

Though it was only a cold, I’m sure y’all know how much that can take out of you. The constant coughing. The wheezing. The shortness of breath. The sinus congestion. The fever. The body aches. It sucks, and it isn’t very conducive to productivity.

Thankfully, though, I’m starting to feel better. I still have a little ghost of a cough, but hopefully tomorrow I’ll be right as rain. That’s a funny saying. What’s so right about rain? Shouldn’t it be right as sunshine? But I digress.

A lot of projects have been backing up. The art commission project. The cosplay work. The beta read. The writing. I’m barely keeping up with the Talk Nerdy With Us work that’s been assigned to me. I’ve been able to work at my day job, but only while heavily medicated. (Not too heavily medicated. The max that I can take legally to function in the workplace.)

I’m trying to psych myself up for getting back into the swing of things. I need to get back into that art project. Like kick-my-own-ass get back into it.

Back from the dead. Time to get to work.

Asleep while awake

Health, Sleep

I’m up for the day….kind of. My eyes are open. I’m conscious. But I can’t seem to wake up.

My eyes are crossing. My head is nodding. My body clearly wants to be back under the overs, dreaming some weird dreams. I should have taken my Adderal when I was awake earlier for Rory’s daily awakening, but I was just too tired then.

Usually my shower wakes me up, so I should be good to go for work. I just wish it didn’t take me so long to wake up after I wake up. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand those who can wake up and just roll out of bed and get started on the day. I, for one, am writing this with one eye half closed and the other eye out of focus. I think if I didn’t let my right eye drop a little I would be unable to read the screen at all because of the crossing eyes.

I envy those of you who can wake up and immediately be functional. I’m working on sleeping better so  I don’t have this problem, Maybe. I hope.