It’s night. It’s almost pitch black despite the moon being on the full side. Things are quieting down here at Great Western War, and things have gotten philosophical.
Jobs. Economy. Life. Too deep of a concept string for my drunk ass to follow.
Yeah. I am drunk. I had an entire bottle of Bailey’s this afternoon. I ate, but I’m still buzzed. The alcohol still prevails over the food… and common sense.
I also feel outside my conversational comfort zone here. I am smart, but I’m not street smart. I don’t get the common sense stuff that most people just…get. I do my job, I pay my bills, and I don’t comprehend the status that most people live at. Working. Struggling. Striving.
I’m doing okay. I get by. I don’t make inordinate amounts of money. I don’t skate through life. But I get by.
Darkness brings all kinds of thoughts that wouldn’t come in the daytime. Is it the stars? Is it the lack of light that blinds us to reality? Am I still drunk? Maybe.
Who knows what I’m talking about. I sure as hell don’t. I’m just babbling.
I think I need a shower. Or a nap. Or bedtime.
Mundane life beckons, and I don’t wanna.
Category: Musings
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Writer’s block sucks, especially when it’s something as simple as a blog title. Or a blog subject, for that matter.
I could write about the stress of prepping for the upcoming out-of-state war event, but I’ve done enough whining about that. I could write a short story or some flash fiction, but again, writer’s block. I could write about the fact that my industrial piercing’s healed enough for me to put my freaking sword barbell in…but that’s not enough for a whole blog post. Hell, it’s freakin’ National Poetry Day and I got nothing. Zilch. Zippo. Nada.
So what am I even doing writing right now? Honestly, I don’t know. I think I’m avoiding doing any actual work, like finishing the tunics that need to be done before the event or revising Book 1 or hell, even practicing rapier stuff. But no, I’m writing a blog. A nonsensical, pointless blog.
Sometimes I guess you just need to zone a bit. Let that mental jelly ooze out. Barf up all the thoughts that have been upsetting your stomach and then wipe the bile off the corner of your mouth and go on with life.
Okay, maybe that metaphor/analogy/whatever was a little bit gross, but you get the gist of it. Basically, even when I have nothing to write, sometimes I just have to write for the sake of writing.
Perhaps tomorrow–or the next day, or the next–we’ll be back to our semi-regularly scheduled programming.
Heralding in change
As I delve deeper into my “medieval” life, I have the urge to design some kind of heraldic crest for myself. Why? Partly because I’d like to play around with design, partly because I just want a cool symbol for me.
My persona is named after a valkyrie that is associated with swans, which may not sound very imposing, but swans can kick ass when they want to. So I searched The Google for Viking-esque images of swans. I found a cool one that I’d like to use, but I thought I would still *try* to come up with something on my own. I’m terrible at actual Viking/Celtic knotwork without copying, but I can make stylized stuff that’s somewhat decent. So these are what I’ve come up with so far:
The top one is the copy design, with a sword behind it (because rapiers). The bottom one is my own design. I like my own design, but it’s not really a “Viking” style, and it doesn’t lend well to adding a sword or other item to it. I mean, I kind of can, but I’m not sure on it…Kinda dig it, kinda don’t. Still sketching on that one. What do you think?
It looks better now that I’ve gotten the swords on there, I guess. So the next question is, do I want to even go for a heraldic crest at this point? I’ve only been playing about five or six months…is it too early for a crest? My “persona” might not be fully formed yet. I dig the idea of the swan because it’s both graceful and a bit aggressive. Though I’m not the most graceful person, I can, in rapier at least, be more than a bit aggressive. But is that who I want to “be”? I don’t know, but I think I might’ve kinda maybe sorta talked myself into it with this post.
What does everyone think? The not-quite-Viking-esque swan with swords or the copycatted-Google-image with a sword? I am digging the not-quite-Viking one more and more as I look at it, but I’m asking what you think….
Natural Armor +1
We all have our little defenses in life. Some of us use humor, some of us separate ourselves from people or situations that make us uncomfortable, and some of us throw ourselves full-on into work or hobbies.
My go-to defenses? I’d have to say it’s a combination of the three. If I don’t know what to say, I joke. If I don’t like the people or things happening around me, I shrink back and hide, and if I get overwhelmed with work or hobbies I dive into whichever one is the lesser of the two evils at that particular moment.
Social anxiety is one thing I have to defend myself from quite a bit. I have a terrible fear of meeting new people, having to remember names, faces, important dates–it’s just too much sometimes. In those instances, my best armor is one that would fall in the Natural Armor category in tabletop gaming…or would that be Charisma? I’m talking, of course, about RBF: Resting Bitch Face. Yes, I am an RBF sufferer. Except I don’t suffer. I use it to my advantage whenever possible.
With RBF, I can avoid social interaction should I choose. If I actually want to participate, I just have to focus on actually smiling and nodding and acknowledging the people around me. If not, I let my facial features relax and let people think what they may of me. If people want to assume that I’m a bitch, go right ahead. Then they’ll feel like assholes when they find out I’m actually quite nice and polite. 😉
Whatever your armor or defense may be, don’t let it take you out of the world completely. We all need some kind of human interaction to get by, even if it’s just a couple times a month. Let your RBF glow, but turn it off every once in a while to make friends and participate in life.
So a-mused
Finally! After months of next to no real inspiration on the novels I’m working on, I was blessed by my muse with nearly 1000 new words of prose (even with quite a bit of cutting) that I think add depth and clarity to the story. Things that I’d gotten some constructive feedback about, mostly in areas that weren’t clear enough, now seem better and the flow is improved. It feels great to be back at it.
Except…the new inspiration comes at the cost of other things I need to do. Yeah, I’ve got Talk Nerdy With Us work to catch up on, sewing to do, social media stuff to tinker with….I should probably be chiding my muse for her terrible timing. Haha.
Still, I’m glad to have her back. I guess even muses need a vacation every once in a while.
Revelation
I’m such a ditz. I’ve been thinking all this time that it’s my day job OT that has me worn out, but I forgot that I’ve also still been taking on work with Talk Nerdy With Us and extra responsibilities with the charity anthology project. No wonder I’m feeling the burnout!
I don’t mind the Talk Nerdy With Us work–it’s a fun job to have–and even though the anthology will be a lot of work as co-admin, I kind of enjoy the challenge. It’s frustrating when the head admin is unable to work on the project as often as I am (and he’s got a bit of an attention span problem–not to mention he’s been sick lately), but it gives me a chance to take charge and get the project moving the way I’d like it to, rather than have it sit stagnant as it has been. As our writers also have day jobs/other things going on with their lives, it’s hard to coordinate and get momentum.
Oh yeah, and there are also the cosplays I have to finish in the next couple of months. Two months. Two short, short months. I’ve got to get those finished.
So that’s my life in a nutshell right now. Work. More work. Charity work. And cosplay work.
Sheesh.
Empty Heart
My heart is empty
At the sickening news
Why can’t I feel
As others do
Why don’t I cry
Why don’t I weep
Why don’t I care
How can I sleep
And dream and live
As though nothing’s wrong
While others bleed
I sing along
As playlist finds
A happy tune
On this melancholy
Month of June
Dozens dead
And millions mourn
So why don’t I
Feel as forlorn
I know it’s sad
I know it’s wrong
So why can’t I
Grieve for the loss
Perhaps I’m cold
Perhaps a cynic
Is there perhaps
A caring clinic
A place to go
A place to learn
How I can care
And feel concern
I don’t know what
Is wrong with me
I cannot care
‘Bout pain I see
Experiment, Day 2
The second day of my free promotional period on Whispers of Death is over, and the numbers are about 100 less than they were on Day 1. I ended the day with almost 400 total with the two days combined, and so far today only 9 units have “sold.”
I’m debating on tweeting about it again, but I feel that’s part of my problem when it comes to marketing: I don’t know how much is too much. I feel like I’m annoying and/or bothering people with the tweets and Instagram photos and the like. Buuuuuut…I still want to get my book’s name out there. If people download it and read it and tell their friends how much they like it (hopefully they like it), then maybe after the promotion is over people will be more inclined to buy it.
Also, I’m hoping reviews start to come in. I’m sure having only four reviews so far isn’t helping me any. Well, I guess it’s helping a little. Even with the “decline” in units sold between Day 1 and Day 2, I’m still in the top 10 in the Occult genre on Kindle and hovering around 20 in the Paranormal & Urban Fantasy genre. Not too bad for someone who is almost a complete unknown.
Reading too much
Why would I post something with that title just a day after putting my books online for free? Well, it’s because I’m not talking about that kind of reading.
I’m talking about reading more into things than is really there, particularly in regards to TV shows.
There has been tremendous uproar in the LGBTQ (I think I’m missing some letters, but they kind of keep getting added on so it’s hard to keep up) community over the deaths of some LGBTQ characters on some fictional TV shows. And you all know my opinions on getting uptight about fictional shows.
Let’s start with the flame that started a spark that ignited a brushfire faster than a cigarette butt tossed onto the dry Arizona grass: the death of Lexa, one half of the lesbian couple known as “Clexa” to The 100 fandom. (Dont’ know what “Clexa” means? See my previous post on shipping.) The Internet was abuzz with LGBTQ fans lashing out at producers, showrunners, writers, the network…pretty much everyone involved in the making of the episode. The majority of this outrage was over the perceived notion that the network had killed off Lexa because she was a lesbian. Now I don’t watch the show, but my husband clued me in to the gist of what happened and it sounded to me like there was a valid reason for the character to die. And even if there wasn’t, why does it necessarily have to have anything to do with the character being a lesbian?
It wasn’t too long before other fandoms got caught up in the inferno. Soon every LGBTQ death on a TV show was being called into question, with accusations of bigotry flying left and right. Suddenly every fan was an activist, and they all had one message: don’t kill off any more LGBTQ characters or else.
The irony here is, the fans got so caught up in spewing their hate that they didn’t realize they were rapidly becoming as just as bigoted as the accused–more so, in fact. Every time that anything bad happened to an LGBTQ character it became viewed as an act of war, an intentional slight against the gay and lesbian community.
Guys, seriously, I doubt that show writers and producers sit in their weekly meetings and pitch various ways to injure, maim, or kill LGBTQ characters. They don’t wring their hands and cackle maniacally. They don’t have a pegboard of LGBTQ characters that they throw darts at to figure out who they’re going to kill next. It just doesn’t work like that.
TV executives are concerned with one major thing: ratings. Those are fueled by the stories they tell. If the story requires a beloved character to die, then guess what? They die, whether they’re white, black, straight, gay, young, old, thin, fat, etc. Has there been an upward trend of bad things happening to LGBTQ characters? Maybe. I sure see a lot more about it on the news and in social media. But did any of you ever consider that maybe it’s a good thing?
Before you start sending me hate messages and death threats, let me finish. Maybe the reason that we’re seeing more gay characters being hurt is that there are more gay characters being represented in TV. Isn’t that a plus?
Personally, I don’t see the rate of LGBTQ deaths/injuries/etc as being out of proportion with the deaths/injuries of straight characters. Straight characters die a lot. It’s just that no one rages over those deaths the way they react to LGBTQ deaths. It’s the same with any minority: the minority gets better representation through casting and storylines, then when the increase in minority population there’s an increase in stories–good or bad–surrounding those minority characters. It just happens to be that the current fad is to kill off characters without warning.
Don’t blame the networks, or the producers, or the writers. Think before you explode, and calmly consider whether or not the treatment of the character was part of the plot or whether it was gratuitous…and don’t base that consideration on how much you personally like the character. Be rational. No network is going to stalk fansites and other social media just to find out what LGBTQ character is the most popular just for the purpose of senselessly killing them.
If you’re going to blame anyone, blame George R. R. Martin. I mean, he kinda spearheaded the “sudden death” fad. Ever since Ned Stark, no character is safe. No character, no matter their gender/race/age/sexual orientation/etc.
(Disclaimer: Do not seriously blame George R. R. Martin. It’s not his fault the viewing public eats it up.)
Language barrier
English is one of the toughest languages to learn. This is almost universally agreed upon.
You know what’s even tougher? Learning proper English when you’ve spent your entire life speaking and writing in American English.
British English is almost as different from American English as any two other languages you could pick. The grammar is different. The punctuation is different. The slang is different. The spellings of some of the same words are different. As an American reading British writing (for the charity anthology project I’m working on–with primarily British writers), it can be frustrating. Is this a misspelling or just a cultural difference? What the heck is this word? What the fuck does this even mean?
For the writers of the anthology, one of our functions is to critique the other writers’ works. This critique process helps to clean up first drafts, second drafts, etc. It also gives the author of each piece a different perspective of how the piece reads. It’s a great process, and it has improved my writing immensely. However, as a “foreigner” when it comes to British English, I feel as though I’m trying to critique a short story/poem/etc that’s written in Greek or Spanish.
Granted, I’ve learned quite a lot about British English through this project. When I watch a British television show I’m not quite as lost at some points as I may otherwise be. It’s quite interesting to see the differences in two languages that are supposed to be the same language. No wonder it’s considered one of the toughest languages to learn. You can learn British English fluently, then take a trip to America and suddenly feel as though you don’t know English at all (or vice versa).
Since I’m partially bilingual (I know Spanish well enough to converse with the Mexican patients at work and we can largely understand each other, but I don’t consider myself fluent), does my newfound knowledge of British English make me actually trilingual? It’s a fascinating concept.