I’ll be the first to admit: I don’t go over to my parents’ house as often as I should. Once a week for laundry and watching Project Runway and maybe dinner if we can swing it. I mean, we’re moving in right next door, so we’ll theoretically be there more often soon, right?
Well, maybe not. Apparently, visiting Mom whenever I get the chance and trying to get her to go to the doctor when she’s been sick for over a week and not going along to the dog training classes for her new service puppy qualifies as being “disrespectful” according to my little sister’s out-of-the-blue texts this afternoon. No warning, no prior complaints of lack of respect from her, but now it appears I’ve been treating Mom so poorly that sis “can’t watch” much longer. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Never mind that our brother is in a constant state of getting himself arrested, lying to Moms face, bringing unsavory individuals into Mom’s home…I could go on, but that’s a blog for another day. Suffice it to say, I’ve suddenly been blacklisted in my parents’ house and I have no idea where this is coming from.
My sister has made her…distaste, let’s say…for my husband known for quite some time. She doesn’t like him yelling at the dog who jumps up on him and chews on his arm, and rather than be rational about it, she blows up. He doesn’t hit the dog, doesn’t make sudden angry movements. He yelled. And when he was instructed not to yell anymore, he stopped. But I guess not praising the dog when he didn’t know that praising was part of the training is “disrespectful.” We’re supposed to know the rules even though we didn’t even know the new training was going on until last Friday. And the few rules we were taught on Friday, we followed. But no, we are apparently not treating Mom right by not knowing how to train the dog.
There’s gotta be something else going on, something underlying. The dog training thing can’t seriously be the straw that broke the camel’s back unless there was a fucking crapton of straw piled up. If our brother can be the Grand Poo-bah of Fuckups that he is without repercussions or consequences, there has to be something that I’m missing.
I’m just too pissed to ask what it is without making things worse right now. I can’t be trusted to use my words in a productive manner until I’ve had a chance to calm down.
I haven’t broken the law. I haven’t brought a criminal to have dinner with Mom and the family, lied about still associating with said criminal, then gotten Mom involved in the legal ramifications of hanging out with said criminal. But I’ve been “disrespectful.”
Why the double standard? Why does our brother get away with his bullshit when I am living a responsible life and not getting Mom caught up in drama that only serves to further stress her out?
Okay, I guess I’ll go over it in this blog today. Why not? I’m venting familial frustrations, might as well go all out.
So if I were to list his transgressions here, the Web would run out of memory for it. He has been the playing the victim in his self-destructive actions for years, and he’s been pulling Mom into his insanity–both figurative and literal–for years as well. Don’t get me wrong; I love my brother, but I can’t condone or enable his actions any longer. He. Doesn’t. Learn. He just doesn’t. I don’t think he really wants to. Why bother learning from your “mistakes” when they’re 100% forgiven and forgotten? Clean slate #72. Time to fuck up again.
Me? I try to learn from my errors. I take my meds for the most part. I take responsibility when I forget or run out and I get a little “off.” I don’t go playing the blame game, sidestepping any true accountability. I have never been in trouble with the law, never gotten arrested, and the few times I ended up in the wrong crowd, I’ve extracted myself from the situation without getting my family involved in my mistakes. But no, I’m the disrespectful one.
I’ve got a stable, successful career. My first book is in the process of being published. I’m in the process of getting my own house built so I can get out of apartment life and have even more stability. I try not to impose on my parents unless I absolutely have to. If I didn’t need to do laundry there, I wouldn’t even use their house for that. I’d come over to visit and watch Project Runway and have dinner and then go back to my home and do laundry in my own washer and dryer.
Is that her issue? Does my sister think my weekly visits are 100% about the laundry? If so, she is woefully mistaken. I could easily DVR the show on my own and watch it from the comfort of my own home. I don’t have to go shopping with Mom on occasion to have some “us” time. I do these things to keep from losing all connection with the family that is growing into strangers, especially my mom. How is that disrespectful?
Maybe if I ever get over being so angry I’ll calm down enough to respectfully ask why my sister is so angry with me. She doesn’t seem to have a problem with our brother, so I don’t understand why this dog training thing suddenly resulted in a bunch of texts detailing what a horrible person I am.
I don’t want to become alienated from my family, but it’s looking like that’s the way the cards are falling. I typed up a post a few days ago about my brother and the fact that he was hospitalized last month after getting the shit beat out of him and no one in the household told me. No one. My own brother. In the hospital. With a broken orbit among other things. Not a freakin’ word. Combine that with today’s drama, and it makes the jabs about “disrespect” sting all the more. Perhaps that’s why I sound so hung up on my brother’s screw-ups. He gets himself beat to shit (likely because of associating with the criminal element I mentioned earlier), and not only does no one “respect” me enough to tell me, but they take him in and coddle him while I’m being cast out.
Category: Stress
Projections
Estrella War is over, but my project list is far from completed. I’m currently about halfway through a couple of tiny embroideries for a gift for a king in another kingdom, I have a hood to make for my husband, an underdress and apron dress for me, three Arts & Sciences projects to get going, and then there’s also some mundane sewing I want to get done soon-ish.
I’m not super stressed out like I would normally be, because aside from the embroidery I don’t have any deadlines less than a few months away. This is great, because for the first time in months I feel like I can relax and take my time. Well, not relax too much. But I can breathe.
I’ve picked out the Arts & Sciences projects that I’m going to do, so since that is the next true deadline I will focus on those once the embroidery is done. I am even combining one of the above projects into the A&S stuff (but I’m not saying which one!) to kind of get a little ahead of the game. Be more efficient, I guess. Now, I need to do research in addition to the physical work, and I need to remember to take pictures as I go, but I’m getting started right away so I’m not too worried. I have most of the research materials I think I’ll need compiled, so it’s just a matter of reading it all.
Believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to the research paper part of the projects. I always aced my research papers in school, so this should be a breeze. I’ll just have to dust off the ol’ “student” cap and put it on and get to typing. I even made sure I knew which format (y’know, MLA, APA, etc.) I will need to use for my citations before I got started. I’m getting kind of excited for it. Yeah, excited for three research papers. I’m such a nerd.
I also need to mentally prepare for A&S, in the sense that I know my works (written and handmade) will be subject to criticism from multiple fronts. My research papers could be metaphorically torn to shreds, or my sewing could be scoffed at. I think I’ll be okay, though.
Can’t let myself get too comfy in my sense of security when it comes to timelines. We still have to move into our house once it’s built, which is rapidly approaching, and there are more SCA events in the meantime. I can do it, though. Just gotta avoid getting to Crunch Time like I usually end up doing.
Stuck between a rock and a volunteer position
Burnout. It happens. So what do you do when your options are limited?
Here’s the situation: that drama I talked about? Well, the “resolution” that was agreed upon didn’t really resolve all that much, and it leaves me stuck. The person who was causing the drama is still around and, though they’re not supposed to directly interact with my husband, they’re still present–a proverbial thorn in the side, if you will.
This wouldn’t be too bad, save for one thing…I am beyond the point of burnout with the volunteer officer position I hold in our local group, but the only other person I can see willing to step up to the plate if I step down is–you guessed it–the drama factory. And since my position interacts closely with my husband’s position (yeah, he’s an officer too), I can’t risk this person taking over if I leave the position. I’ve been told by a kingdom officer that they will never again hold that position, but the risk is too great. It would open doors for them to passive-aggressively harass my husband, which I do not want to be responsible for.
I meant to talk to the kingdom officer in question during the war, but I just didn’t have the opportunity. She was busy, or I was busy, or I didn’t know where to find her in the ginormous site. Regardless of the why, I didn’t talk to her yet, though I feel the need to, and soon.
At this point, try as I might, I’m just paying lip service to the position. I didn’t even do anything with it throughout the war, which I know is bad, but I wanted to be able to enjoy my first Estrella War. I wanted to be able to experience as much as possible, and stopping to do X-Y-Z for this position would have hindered that.
Things are hairy in the barony as it is. Sides have been taken in this drama dispute, and it was clear by the hush that fell over the room when we walked into baronial court where most of the barony–at least those who attended baronial court at war–stand…and it’s not with us. Sure, we have our close friends who stick by us, but there are others who, for whatever reason, hold resentment towards us that is blatantly obvious. Sideways glances, or sometimes avoidance of glances, were all the indication we needed that we are no longer “welcome” in the barony we have called home. It’s a little disheartening, especially when the creator of the main drama has a known history of causing problems. Now, I’m not saying that this person is responsible for all the ill will…but they certainly exacerbated whatever issues may have been underlying.
That makes my wish to leave my officer position that much more difficult of a decision to make. If the majority of the barony, or at least the active members, are against us, then who would take over the position if I left and this other person was not allowed to come back to the position? I can barely think of a couple of people who might take on the position, let alone enough to have a pool of candidates. No, I think that for the time being I’m stuck.
I guess until I come up with a solution I’ll just have to keep trudging along, dragging myself through the muck and mire. I’m trying to hold up hope that things will work out, but I fear I’m going to be where I’m at for a long, long time to come.
And tomorrow…war!
As I sip my coffee and get ready to get ready for the busy work day ahead, I am overjoyed by the fact that I managed to finish my husband’s fighting tunic on time–early, even! Okay, so it’s only a day early, but still, it’s done. Not sewing at the last minute on the drive up to war, not sewing it at war…done.
There is still some trim to get sewn onto his “Grand Court” tunic, and some minor embroidery to do on the bottom hem, but that isn’t going to be worn until Saturday night, so I have time to finish at war (and actually planned to, anyway). BUT the major major had-to-be-done-before-we-left sewing is complete. The War Crunch (the SCA version of the Con Crunch) is pretty much over with. I may even be starting to get excited about it.
The drama still looms. Less than 36 hours away…not something I want to think about. But it sits in the back of my mind, festering, and I’m sure it won’t go away until the whole mess is over.
I fear that it won’t be over, though.
I shouldn’t let that get to me though. Then the other person will have won. I should just enjoy my war and try to keep a stiff upper lip, or whatever.
Book 1’s editing has taken a back seat to other, more pressing projects, which is disappointing but something that I guess as an author working with a publishing company I just have to deal with. I can’t force everybody to my timetable–self publishing spoiled me for that, I think. I’ll wait, though. Bide my time, occupy myself with other things–maybe even get back to work on Book 2 rewrites.
Time will tell.
Sword arm
Finally! After weeks of waiting and rescheduling and poor timing, my sword tattoo is done! The tattoo artist’s name is Amanda Jiminez at Battleship Tattoo (to give credit where credit’s due) and here’s the outcome:
I’m ecstatic! I love it and can’t wait to show it off at Estrella War next week.
This has taken a majority of my mind off of the continuing drama, but I know it’s just a proverbial band-aid on a bullet wound. If that’s a proverb….if not, it should be. Can we coin that phrase? Let’s coin that.
I still have a few things to make/stitch, but the majority of it is done. A tunic to finish (though most of it is cut out and much of it is sewn) and some trim to stitch onto another tunic…that’s about it that I can think of right now. Oh, and some little piddly stuff to do, but that stuff is minor and less time-consuming than the above-mentioned stuff. These things also can help take my mind off of the drama things, though only temporarily, and mostly only when I have to get out the seam ripper. Gods, I hate seam ripping.
Book 1 is still in the editor’s hands, but I’m waiting patiently because I know she’s been quite sick recently. I totally understand that and have no ill feelings on it (ha! pun!). I’d like to get back to writing, but….maybe after Estrella. Right now, my time is pulled in other directions.
Two more work days until we leave for war.
Let the games begin.
Racing at a snail's pace
Okay, I admit I should be sewing right now. I should be pinning the sleeves back onto my husband’s fighting tunic (after seam ripping them off–lining & all–because the shoulders were too tight). I should be going over the checklist of stuff for the war that we need to get finished. But I’m not.
I’m reclining in bed, feet stretched out, back propped up on some pillows, and it feels nice to take a breather. I’ve made two pairs of pants, a tunic (that I had to take apart because of fit issues), painted banners, embroidered things, mended stuff….It has been a lot these past few weeks, and the days leading up to war are tick-tick-ticking away. Time. Is. Short. Shorter and shorter.
It’s not that I’m procrastinating on purpose. I just needed to give my back and shoulder a break after some early morning sewing. I’m also taking into account the fact that I only work in the morning today, so I’ll have all afternoon and evening to work on the tunic. I think I can get it done before war, but we’ll have to see. At worst, my husband will have to deal with using the tunic he already has for fighting, though I know he doesn’t like it much. I’m not super proud of being behind like this, but I also don’t want to kill myself with pain doing all this. Because I damn near have already.
Painting banners is not comfortable. Sewing, despite my familiarity with the machine and my current “work station,” is not comfortable. Embroidery? That I can do comfortably, provided I’m, like, lying down or something. So a lot of work that has been done and has yet to be done, all of which can aggravate my RA. I’ve been trucking through so far, but now I’m losing steam on things. I have to book it. I have to get all this done.
Just a few more things, I tell myself as I prepare to go back into the craft room. Just a few more things.
I’m working as fast as I can, but I’m going so slow….
Inquisitive
I’ll be so glad when next Thursday afternoon is over. So glad. Some of the drama has been predictable, but some has, like the Spanish Inquisition, been … unexpected.
Can’t really talk about it all, though, so I’m vagueblogging today.
It’s total b.s. that things have gotten to where they’re at. Complete and utter b.s. Even worse, there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to sit by and watch and hope for the best. The waiting sucks. The not knowing what will be sucks. And during the time that the things all come to a head? I won’t be able to be there for that, so I will spend most of that time fretting (and possibly drinking).
I hate not being able to be there. Much as I hate drama and being involved, I’ve come to discover that sitting on the sidelines for said drama can suck even more when you are invested in the outcome.
I gotta keep telling myself it’ll be okay. That even if it’s not, there are options to make things more bearable. Not necessarily better, but more bearable.
This witch hunt can’t last forever.
Thank Gods for the weekend
It’s almost the weekend. Just a meeting and half a work day (theoretically), then I’m free until Tuesday.
Well, not completely free. I have sewing to do, of course (though I’m farther along than I expected to be), and my husband and I are going out of town so we can do some “war prep” of another kind, and I have an appointment to get yet another mole removed. That all aside, though, I am mostly free.
I’ll be so glad when war is over. I’m sure in the long run it’ll be fun, but there’s the pre-war stress that is really getting to me. Deadlines and projects and drama are all pressing in to create a ticking time bomb that hopefully won’t explode. Implode? Some kind of plode-ing.
The writing has, sadly, been put on hold while I try to get our garb and other things ready for war. Book 1 is in editor’s hands right now, but she is sick so it will be a few days before I anticipate any kind of return. Health comes first; I, of all people, should know that. Book 2 is still stalled because I have to basically reboot, and I’m not 100% sure how to go about it. I know what needs to happen, but how to preserve as much of what I’ve already written without having to do a complete rewrite? Yeah, not so much.
There will also be projects post-war, of course. Apron dress, underdress, “bib”-thingie, embroidery on all of the above, A&S projects, illumination/calligraphy, etc. etc. etc. Lots to keep me occupied.
If I can just survive the war, that is….
Mouth wide shut
I know I’ve been quiet lately, but all I can say is that I’ve been busy. Life keeps plowing forward and I have to try to keep up.
Stress is building exponentially, and good ol’ Arthur isn’t letting me forget it. I’m dealing with more arthritis pain than I think I can attribute to “just the weather,” and I truly believe this added pain is due to the spike in stress. It’s quite frustrating because I have Things to Do (yes, these Things are important enough to capitalize) and the pain interferes with my ability to do those Things.
I’ve got to just grit my teeth and bear it, though, because life, as I mentioned, is not stopping to give me a break. I keep hoping that stuff settles down in the next few weeks. That the Things get done despite the pain. That I can return to some semblance of normalcy…or at least as normal as I get 😉
Worn out
I feel it. Something’s coming, and I have no control over it. I can’t help. I can’t stave it off. All I can do is stand by and hope for the best.
It sucks, but what can you do? It might not even be as bad as I think it’s going to be. Not likely, but maybe it’ll … get better? Not likely either, I guess.
It’s my fight but it’s not my fight. I can’t involved even though I am. I have to be kinda neutral even when I don’t feel very neutral. On the contrary, I have very strong feelings on it.
But it’s not my fight. But it is my fight.
Isn’t it?