Thoughts – Page 5 – AJ Mullican, Author

“I’m fine” is the biggest lie of them all

#bipolar, Depression, Health, Mental Health, Musings, Stress, Thoughts

We’ve all done it. We’ve all been a little stressed, a little down, a little depressed. And we’ve all, at some point during these times, have said “I’m fine.”

There are variations of “I’m fine.” There’s “I’m just tired.” There’s “Nothing’s wrong, really.” These are lies.

They’re not meant to be harmful or malicious lies. They’re meant to spare the person who’s asking how you are from having to deal with your problems. And, in a way, they’re meant as an effort to convince yourself that you are fine when you are, in fact, quite not fine.

I’ve been guilty of these lies more times than I can count….in the last week alone, to be honest. When my husband asks how my day at work went, I don’t want to burden him with “I think I’m depressed so even though the day went all right I’m feeling really down.” So I don’t say that. I say “Meh” or “Fine” or some such nonsense–and it is nonsense.

Why don’t I just say what’s really going through my head? Why don’t I say I’m becoming depressed? A large part of it is the whole burden thing. I don’t want to be one. Another factor is the realization that if I admit to being depressed, I’ll be inundated with questions as to why I’m depressed or how the person can help me not be depressed….questions I don’t always have an answer to.

Yet another part of it is that I’m bipolar; being depressed once in a while comes with the package. I mean, that’s been my experience with it. You get depressed for a while, but as long as it doesn’t get into I-want-to-hurt-myself depression then it’s fine to just wait it out, right?

There’s that lie again: “it’s fine.”

I suppose I should quit lying–to myself and to others. I should say when I’m depressed. I should probably even go to the doctor, depending on how depressed I am. But that’s admitting that I can’t handle it. That I can’t get out of the depression on my own. That I’m not as strong as I’d like to think I am.

One frustrating part is that even when I’m not “fine,” there are moments sprinkled throughout the day where I am “fine.” I’m not necessarily depressed 100% of the time when I’m depressed. I might be depressed only when I’m alone, or only when I’m bored, or only when I’m away from home, or only when I’m at home. The depression could be more of a conditional state of being than a constant state.

Am I “fine” right now? Yeah. Sure.

Am I lying about that?

I don’t really know.

Jitterbug

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, anxiety, Art, Art for sale, book trailer, Celebrity, Convention, cover art, Crafting, embroidery, Fandom, Geek, Insomnia, Learning, Mental Health, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Sewing, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Work, Writing

The time has almost come! After work today, my husband and I will leave for Tucson, and in the morning we’ll get up bright and early to go over to Tucson Comic Con and set up our table.

The Con Jitters hit me just last night.

I was fine. Honestly, I was. I was excited but prepared. Business licenses procured, books procured, bookmarks made, PayPal reader set up, etc….but as I was printing flyers and what have you last night I started to get that THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP in my chest that indicated the start of anxiety. I’m not entirely sure why I’m so anxious. I have almost everything I will need. The only thing I’m really missing is cash and change, and that I can have the hubby grab from a bank before the exhibitor hall opens to the public.

Booth setup shouldn’t be too long. I just have books, bookmarks, and some signs. Small, 8.5″ x 11″ signs, that I can either tape or pin to the tablecloth. I’m a little worried that the tape I’m bringing won’t be strong enough, but it’s what I have, and to be honest I could probably just set the signs down on the table and be fine. Still, I’d like to affix them to the tablecloth somehow to get them to stay put. But safety pins are packed. Tape is packed.

I’ve got an apron for keeping my phone, PayPal reader, and markers close at hand. I’ve got receipt books (for whoever might actually want a receipt, though the days of the written receipt are going by the wayside). I’ve got a notebook to jot down any notes that I haven’t already thought of, with my Tucson business license info and the TCC exhibitor packet and some sundry other items in it.

I’ll have my laptop Friday and Sunday, and while my husband has it at an SCA event Saturday I’ll have his tablet. Why the laptop and tablet, you may ask? Well, someone gave me the brilliant idea to have my book trailer playing at the table. To conserve battery I might not have it on a continuous loop, but I can at least pop it on for those who might be interested in the book but are iffy on buying it.

Books. I have books. I have bookmarks. I have a tablecloth. I’ll have a portable battery for making sure my devices stay charged. I have embroidery to do that I can use to keep myself occupied if things get slow, so I don’t waste battery power on playing with my phone. I have sell sheets and author info flyers. I have my clothes for the weekend packed and ready to go in the car.

I’ve got all this stuff…so why am I not feeling ready? Why am I so anxious over the whole thing?

Anxiety’s a bitch. She gets you all worked up but doesn’t tell you why she’s got you all worked up, and she doesn’t follow the rules of logic. If I’m pretty much ready for the con, why am I anxious? Who knows. Maybe once I clean out the car and pack it I’ll be better off.

Who am I kidding? I’ll be nervous until the con’s well and truly started. Lol

Marked for success?

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Art, Celebrity, Convention, Crafting, Fandom, Geek, Marketing, Novel, Promotion, Reading, Sci-fi, Sewing, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Work, Writing

I thought about it, and I decided on making bookmarks for Tucson Comic-Con to sell alongside my books.

As you can see, the bookmark slides onto the corner of a page, and it’s nice and graphic–with a whole slew of them on-hand, I’ll have something cool and geeky to display next to the book to draw in congoer attention and potentially get them to check out (and hopefully buy) the book. I have made several using different printed fabrics, so I’ll have a selection. I only have roughly ten ready for sale at the moment (not counting ones I’ve set aside for gifts and special requests), but I still need to make more.

It takes roughly ten minutes start to finish for one bookmark, but with a little mass production-style work I can cut out materials for over a dozen and then work in five-bookmark increments to iron, pin, sew, iron, and sew, which takes roughly half hour to 45 minutes. I’m getting faster, though.

Credit to Crafty Staci at www.craftystaci.com for the vendor apron pattern and the bookmark tutorial. Her tutorials are super straightforward and easy to follow. Excellent work, Staci!

I’m not sure how many I’ll be able to make prior to TCC, but I’ll try to get a good stock on-hand. Right now I’m using scrap fabric I have lying around that wasn’t being used, but if I run out I know I can count on JoAnn’s to have some cool stuff to grab like a quarter yard of or something. Maybe some cool-looking fat quarters. Those are cheap. 😉

Trollin’ with my homies

#books, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Celebrity, Fandom, Friendship, Geek, Learning, Marketing, Musings, Novel, Promotion, SCA, Sci-fi, Social Media, Thoughts, Time, Writing

I’ve finished the latest round of revisions on Book 2, and as I go to do the Write Event games on Twitter (follow @writevent to see what I mean) I’ve decided that I let too much of Abnormal go out into the Web as tweets. Sure, it garnered interest, but how much is too much? And how much of Book 2 should I give my Twitter followers a peek of?

My solution: I’m going to start writing fresh lines just for the Write Event games. Some will be from my WIPs, but some will be pulled out of thin air.

That’s right. I’m going to keep people guessing. It’ll be my own personal writing game: Sneak peek or made-up crap?

With that now safely ensconced in my brain, I think I’ll be able to entertain myself for months. The bonus is, even if there are Write Event themes that don’t fit with my WIP, I can still tweet something related to the theme and make it look like it’s from the WIP.

In other news, this morning I plan on starting to outline my *cough* semi-completed draft, as well as writing up a query letter and synopsis. My November deadline for submission is fast approaching, and I’m going to try not to cram for it this time.

First, though, food. It may be oh-dark-thirty in the morning, but I’m starving. I didn’t grab enough food at last night’s SCA household meeting. Well, potential household–we’ve camped with them twice now, which meets their requirements for joining, but they’re waffling on voting us in or out. It makes me slightly suspicious, and I have to admit I kind of feel like my husband and I are the redheaded stepchildren of the household. Like, we’re kind of part of the family, but we’re expected to do more work and it’s kind of assumed that we’ll be around…not, like, appreciated, y’know? Sure, there are a few people in the household who I know like having us around, but I’m not sure why they didn’t vote last night, which was the first household meeting since our second time camping with a large contingent of the household. Hmm…

Maybe I’m not the only troll in the room…

Back in the deep end

#books, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, Geek, Interview, Marketing, Musings, Novel, Promotion, Sci-fi, Self Publishing, Social Media, Thoughts, Time, Work, Writing

Well, after a self-imposed “week off” from serious book promoting, I’m back in deep. I’ve downloaded a few podcast apps to help me narrow down my searches for podcasts to contact to talk about Abnormal. (My Google-fu when it comes to podcasts is dismally unhelpful.) I’ve started contacting podcasts that might be willing to listen to me blather on about Abnormal. I’ve got a list. Lists are always good, right?

Still trying to get over my frustration with finding influencers to market to. I think the podcast-finding apps will help a bit, but I’ll still have to do the “legwork” of searching each podcast, contacting them, and waiting, waiting, waiting. A few have responded with negatories, but at least it’s a response.

Book 2 is in the hands of a couple of alpha readers, hopefully to be returned in the next couple of weeks with notes on where to finesse it before I send it back to RhetAskew in November. I’ll be really glad to get that off to the publisher, because it’s the next step in getting another book published (and it’ll be another big personal accomplishment as well).

As late as five or six years ago, I thought I’d never have enough “story” in my head to write a whole novel. Whispers of Death started with a series of microfiction that I wrote many, many years ago. I thought hey, I can make this into something. It went through many alterations and morphed into something completely different, but those microfictions were the brainchild of Whispers. At first I was overambitious and aimed for a trilogy, but in the end I decided to make it a one-shot. Nearly three years ago, that one-shot was self published on Amazon.

Within months of finishing Whispers of Death, I started on Abnormal. It was a strange start to a novel: I came up with the title first, then built from there. Yeah, this new series–and it will be a series–started with a single word bouncing around in my noggin.

So weird. I had a fully-formed concept for Whispers but no title, no character names, nada. Now I have a fuller-formed concept based on a word. Just one. Little. Word.

The moral of this rambling blog post? Don’t give up. It might take you a few years. You might have to revisit your old writing for inspiration. Hell, you might just need the right word or words to pop into your head to get you started. But don’t quit. Whatever you do, don’t quit.

You can do it. I have faith in you. If I can, you can. Just try.

Survivor’s guilt

animals, Freedom, Musings, Politics, Thoughts, Time

So it’s been 17 years. Babies that were born after their parent died will be graduating this year. Last year, most of them probably started driving. Next year they’ll be adults.

Me? I kinda forgot.

It’s not 100% my fault. I mean, I’ve had the last three and a half days off work. The date escaped me. I didn’t mean to forget. But I forgot.

I wasn’t too terribly affected by the tragedy. Yeah, the news of it woke me from a sound sleep. I stared dumbfounded at the TV as one tower went down, then the other. My jaw gaped as the Pentagon got hit. My mind was blown.

I didn’t personally know anyone affected by the attacks then. (My husband, who I met nearly 8 years ago, was stationed on a ship in the Persian Gulf on that fateful day.) I was isolated, safe and sound in my parents’ house in northern Alabama. New York, DC, and Pennsylvania were, like, forever away. They were concepts. Places I’d passed near or driven through. Not real.

So why do I feel like a total jerk for forgetting? If I didn’t know anyone affected and wasn’t there, why should I remember? Does this make me a selfish, unfeeling, insensitive, unpatriotic so-and-so? Maybe. But maybe not.

Wanna know what story from the days and months after touched me the most? It was one I read I want to say in Newsweek, but it could have been elsewhere; it was the story of a seeing eye dog who guided people out of the building when the smoke blinded and terrified them.

That dog is, more than likely, long since dead, as are all the search-and-rescue and cadaver-sniffing dogs that touched me when I saw them crying on the news.

Yeah. I was more emotional hearing about the rescue dogs whose feet were getting cut up on debris as they searched for life where there eventually was none left than I was about the families who lost that life. Dogs. Not people. What’s wrong with me?

Probably nothing. It’s probably just a thing. I didn’t know anyone affected, like I said, so the whole thing was distant to me. I shouldn’t expect myself to be saddened by the date. I’m holding myself up to standards that have been set by a media-hyped society. Everything’s IN YOUR FACE, so everything should affect everyone…right?

One of these days I’ll stop feeling guilty at not feeling guilty. I’ll stop chiding myself for forgetting.

One of these days.

But not today. Not just yet.

Battle royale

#bipolar, #books, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, #TV, Abnormal, anxiety, Celebrity, Critique, Depression, Education, Fandom, Geek, Health, Interview, Learning, LGBTQ, Marketing, Mental Health, Musings, Novel, Promotion, Q&A, Reading, Sci-fi, Social Media, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Writing

It’s been a while since I’ve had a legitimate bipolar breakdown, so I guess yesterday’s little panic attack was overdue. Still, it would be nice not to have to go through that at all.

Yeah….
So the marketing process for Abnormal combined with the marketing workshop that my publisher is running on Facebook combined with general anxiety about the projected success or failure of said book all are working together to create that perfect environment for a bipolar freak-out. Last night was the first of what I hope is a minimal number of said freak-outs.
It all started with the sudden realization that the workshop assignments were leading up to us authors identifying and contacting our top genre influencers about our works.
Wait…I have to find out who the top sci-fi/dystopian/LGBTQ bloggers, vloggers, podcasters, journalists, etc, are, then I have to write out emails asking them to read and review my book or do an interview with me, then I have to send out those same emails? Like, actually send them? To people who have thousands and thousands of followers, who probably already lead busy lives and already get gobs of junk emails with the same type of requests? But–but–but…what if I’m bothering them?
Ah, yeah, there’s that irrationality. There’s the anxiety rearing its ugly head.
Fuck you, anxiety. You ruined my evening yesterday.
Fighting with this type of anxiety is a tough one. I can always go to friends or family or to my husband or my publishers with my unfounded concerns, but I can’t always take their logical, rational advice and apply it to the very much illogical and irrational fear I’m experiencing. The irrational fear eats logic for breakfast, chews it up, and spits it out in a sloppy wet wad on the carpet. I always end up stepping square in that wad. I hate stepping on anything wet, literally or metaphorically.
Why is it so horrifying to have to send out some nice, polite emails requesting consideration for myself and my book? I don’t know. Again, it’s an irrational fear. And no, it’s not the fear of them ignoring my emails or sending rejections–it’s the fear of being a bother. A nuisance. An annoyance.
It was difficult to send email requests to some of my favorite authors asking if they’d be interested in having an Advanced Reader Copy of Abnormal to peruse and maybe write a blurb on. I was terrified of annoying them. Of being viewed as spam–even if it was potentially some random assistant who was handling that day’s particular emails. That is what had me paralyzed yesterday. It’s still got me shaken up a bit, but so far this morning no fountains of tears. So that’s progress, right?
Another stressor to add onto these imaginary stressors is the feeling that I have to get all my marketing done before the September 1 release date–which is now ten days away. Ten. Short. Days. My publisher assures me that’s not the case, that I have the entirety of the series to build upon and market to my fanbase, but the timing of the marketing workshop is not helping. Don’t get me wrong–I’m extremely grateful for the opportunity to have such a workshop. It’s just giving me a minor heart attack thinking about all the assignments that are being given with “just ten days” in which to complete the assignments.
Ten days…I’m almost in the single digits.
I had my freak-out. I talked with close friends, with my publisher, with my husband. I whined and moaned and misunderstood the assignments and cried and sobbed and overreacted. I did all the things except stay calm and look at it from a logical standpoint. Logically, the bloggers and vloggers and podcasters and journalists are there to build on their own fanbase, and they (theoretically) welcome the opportunity to read and review something that their fanbase might enjoy. Illogically, they’re going to view me as an overeager spammer nobody who needs to leave them alone.
I’m going to get past this. I’m going to finish this post, search for my genre’s “influencers,” and get started on a template to share in the workshop to eventually turn into emails to said influencers.
It may not be within the next ten days. But I have a whole series to get this done in.
Still, better now than never.
Off I go.
Kicking and screaming, but off I go.

I'm such a tease

#books, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, embroidery, Fandom, Geek, Learning, Marketing, Novel, Promotion, Reading, Sci-fi, Thoughts, Time, Writing

Abnormal is ever closer to publication, and yesterday was kind of a milestone for me.
You see, I have only ever written one other novel. A one-shot, no-sequel, wrap-up-all-the-loose-ends-at-the-end kind of novel. But Abnormal? That puppy’s the first in a series. My publisher knows this, has known this since they first laid eyes on it, but it never occurred to me that they’d want a snippet of Book 2 at the end of Abnormal to tease the next book and let readers know that there’s more to come.
tease gif
I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me. That’s what “real” authors do with their books, right? So it makes perfect sense…I just hadn’t thought that far ahead, I guess. It wasn’t real yet.
It’s very real now.
I’ve set up my first book signing for two weeks after release, and I have a small, personal release party scheduled for the evening of September 1st. There will be drinking (probably mostly on my part) and book signings and possibly drunk live tweeting/Facebook live-ing and generally a good time for all.
The upcoming weeks will be quite busy for me. I have no “free” weekends for a while, so I’ve got to work in non-work work wherever I can. Sometimes during my work-work lunch break.
I’ll get back to Book 2 soon….then, when that’s done and edited and submitted and the whole process is starting over again, I’ll get started on Book 3. 🙂 Let’s see how far down the road I can take this show!

And then there was one….

#books, #design, #dystopian, #nerd, #publishing, Abnormal, book trailer, cover art, Fandom, Geek, Learning, Marketing, Musings, Novel, Promotion, Reading, Sci-fi, Social Media, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Writing

Tomorrow, folks! Tomorrow Abnormal gets its big cover reveal, and the preorder link goes live! I am so freakin’ excited!

Now, if you follow this blog on more than one platform (Facebook, Twitter, whatever in addition to here), you may notice that you’re not seeing this cross-posted. There are a couple of reasons for that. First off, I’m attending an virtual workshop on how to market a book, and surprise! Readers/followers don’t like repeat content. You’ve seen my blog post once; you don’t need to see it over and over again ad nauseum.
Secondly, I actually do check my stats on this blog pretty frequently. Obsessively, even. And I’ve noticed that lately, it’s not Twitter or Facebook that gets the most views for me. It’s WordPress reader. So, my hope is that these still get read even if they’re not in-your-face on every platform.
I’m also going to venture into creating a website for myself. There are going to be links to the preorder (starting tomorrow, or when I get the site up–I have no idea how long this will take me), there will be the book trailer, and there will even be a link to Whispers of Death, my first novel.
This site will probably take a while to get up and running, because I know zero about website creation. I’ll keep posting here for a while, but soon ajmullican.com will be the place to go. (No point in putting an actual hyperlink there until I know the site works lol)
Off I go down the rabbit hole of website creation and stuff!

Two for the money

#books, #design, #dystopian, #publishing, Abnormal, Celebrity, cover art, Fandom, Friendship, Marketing, Novel, Promotion, Reading, Sci-fi, Stress, Thoughts, Time, Writing

Yeah, yeah, I know that’s not how the saying goes… Still, it’s two days until Abnormal goes on preoder sale, so two for the money works for me. 😉
The cover reveal is in two days as well, and in sixteen days Abnormal hits bookstores and Amazon Kindle. Just a little over two weeks. I’m still going a little crazy with the waiting, but I have to remind myself that this is, like, over two and a half years in the making. Another two weeks and some change won’t kill me.
I’m not the only one who’s excited. There are friends and family members who are chomping at the bit to see the cover or read the book. I’ve already made numerous promises about autographs. It’s kinda funny how people who know you want your autograph more than people who haven’t met you. It’s like, you know me, I’ve been to your house, eaten your food, hung out with you, whatever, and now you want me to sign it? I mean, it’s cool and all. Makes me glad I have like almost 100 colored gel pens that I can bring to signings. Lol
Signings. Still none set up, but once the preorder link is live I can send the ISBN to a retail bookstore chain and see if they’re interested in having me. So far, the local bookstore isn’t panning out much. They seemed super interested, but then they kinda fell off the Facebook Messenger radar. I haven’t heard back from them in about a week, but I suppose I shouldn’t let that get me down. Sometimes Messenger doesn’t deliver notifications right away, and they could be busy with back to school stuff. I gotta be patient.
After all, there are sixteen whole days until the book’s release.
Two weeks and two days.
Less than a month of Sundays.