Someone I knew not nearly as well as I should have passed away yesterday, and I’ve been trying to take time to process my thoughts and feelings on the tragedy.
I should’ve talked with him more. I should’ve engaged and not shrunk into my shell when he said “Hi” to me at SCA events and meetings. I should’ve … Well, I could fill the whole Internet with shoulda/coulda/wouldas here. Suffice it to say, a great man died, and rather than using my words to console friends and chosen family–other than to send my condolences in a private message to his wife–I spent my day reading how he touched others’ lives and wondering why I wasn’t touched the same way.
In the end, I determined it was my fault. My shyness and social anxiety kept me from knowing this man as well as everyone else did. Sure, I said “Hi” back, and I hugged back, and I answered any questions he asked about how I was doing and such, but I didn’t force myself to really listen and ask questions of my own. The last thing I said to him was something along the lines of “Oh, gallbladder surgery is a piece of cake.”
His gallbladder, it turned out, was not the problem.
So why didn’t I send a Facebook message to him when his wife, who I know a little better, sent out requests for kind words, silly memes, and comfort? I certainly had been Facebook friends with him long enough that I should’ve been able to send a meme to cheer him up in the hospital, right?
There’s that shoulda again.
Maybe it was guilt. I mean, he was already in the early stages of whatever-it-was that killed him, and I brushed it off as a piece of cake. I’d had my gallbladder out over ten years ago with no complications whatsoever; surely this tall man with the booming voice and ever-present smile would make it through something like that just as easily.
There it is. There are the tears that wouldn’t come yesterday. But am I crying for the loss or crying for myself?
I don’t really know for sure, but considering it was seeing “booming voice” that set me off, I’d like to think there’s enough humanity inside me to be sad at something other than my own inadequacies.
I think I’ll miss that booming voice most of all. Of all the heralds I’ve met in my short time so far in the SCA, his was the loudest, the clearest, the strongest. Even in his day-to-day conversations, he sounded like a radio announcer or movie voiceover actor. There was depth to that voice. Confidence. Strength.
“Draw nigh for court” will never sound quite the same. A great voice has been silenced, and it’s going to be a while before any of us are really okay again.
Category: Thoughts
Author Birthday Q&A
Hey, everyone! It’s my 39th birthday, and I thought I’d give you a chance to ask author/book-related questions about me! All day today, comment, tweet, direct message, whatever, and I’ll do my best (in between birthday celebrations) to answer your questions! Ask about my inspirations, writing process, characters, the world of Abnormal, etc.
21 days until Abnormal is released in stores and on Amazon!!!
What fresh hell is this
It’s 2018 already people. Almost 2019. We’re supposed to be evolving, not devolving. So what the actual fuck?
I’m gonna go vaguely specific here. Why is stupid shit like sexism, racism, and general assholery still being rewarded? Hell, shit that’s worse than general assholery is being rewarded. I don’t get it.
How fucking hard is it to reward the good and beat the snot out of the bad? Okay, maybe not beat the snot out of them. But something. Positive reinforcement for negative behavior doesn’t stop the negative behavior.
I guess I’m just angry at society in general today. Not you, individually (unless you’re an asshole), but in general. Maybe this weekend I’ll be able to pick up my spirits and not be so jaded and pissed off. Maybe I’ll see more people standing up like they should. Maybe heads will come out of asses and things will be right for one.
Maybe.
Upcoming ups and comings
Q&A is set for next Wednesday, 2pm PST! 🙂 I’ll go live on Twitter to answer questions about Abnormal, but you can send me questions ahead of time or send them to RhetAskew Publishing by using the email link at the bottom of their page. More questions means more answers…but no spoilers! 😉
Also next week (Monday afternoon or evening): Shy little ol’ me is going to try to do either a video recording of me reading an excerpt from Chapter 1 of Abnormal or maybe–maybe–a live reading. It depends on my courage at the time. I’ve gotta get used to being on-camera for interviews and what have you, but I want to dip my toes first. So, either live or recorded, I’ll be reading from Abnormal next Monday afternoon. Probably around….Well, it depends on my courage. Two-ish PST if I’m live, a little later if I choke and record it.
I’ll also be setting up interviews and blog tours (that’s a thing I heard of, but don’t ask me how they work just yet–the Askew team will be helping me) and some other stuff along the way. I’m getting busier and busier as September 1st approaches, and that will be far from the end of it. I have to contact bookstores and libraries about potential events/book signings/readings/etc. I have to get in touch with radio stations and newspapers and all that jazz. It’s going to be hard work, but it will be worthy work.
Don’t forget Tucson Comic Con, either! I’ll be there, fair and square, Friday through Sunday! November 2-4, 2018. If you’re anywhere near Tucson, AZ, head on down!
Distracted by reality
I’ve got some dedicated reading to do for Rhetoric Askew, but for some reason I can’t focus on it.
It could be that I have a touch of real-life interfering with my concentration. You see, I have an interview later today for a promotion at work. There are pros and cons to the job, but I think I can do it, and really it’s the only opportunity for advancement that is open to me right now. I can’t move up in the surgical department because I can’t physically do the scrub assist job (I tried; my back said no), and there’s not really anywhere else to go. I’m not without competition for this job, so I have to take that into consideration and not get my hopes 100% up. But I’ve gotten encouragement from coworkers, and I’m confident that, if chosen, I can do the thing.
That confidence doesn’t stop me from obsessing over it, though.
I can’t even focus on this post. I have about a million possible scenarios running through my head. Lol
Wish me luck!
Being #ABNORMAL is not a crime
Abnormal is rapidly approaching release, and I want to know: What makes you #ABNORMAL?
There are tons of “abnormalities” in life that are criminalized, penalized, or ostracized in society. Transsexualism, LGBTQIA “lifestyle,” being overweight, underweight, tall, short, rich, poor, too ugly, too pretty even. What about you makes you “abnormal” by today’s society? What have you had to deal with due to your “abnormality”?
Let me know. In a comment, a tweet, an Instagram post–let me know what makes you #ABNORMAL. Hashtag #WhatMakesMeAbnormal and #ABNORMAL, and let’s get a conversation going. I want to know what you’ve gone through. I want to know your trials and tribulations due to not being the impossible “normal.”
I want to get “normal” thrown out the window–or maybe redefined. I want us all to be proud of our “abnormalities,” not shamed by them. I want to create a new normal, one that includes all of humanity–no matter what they look like, act like, talk like, whatever.
Lack of sleep has robbed me of my wit
No catchy title here. No play on words, no hidden meaning. I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up in time to get ready for my surgery shift this morning, so I only took a half of my trazodone pill. When did I wake up? About midnight. Yeah. I mean, I got some more sleep on the couch as I piddled around on the Internet, but overall I think I got four hours, maybe four and a half.
Oh, and I also forgot to take my pills before I left the house today. I managed to get them from the medicine cabinet and shove them in my purse just as my coworker arrived to give me a ride, but I didn’t have any water to take them with until we got to the office. Adderall still hasn’t kicked in, so I’m yawning so much my eyes are watering.
Otherwise, my last twenty four hours have been hectic. A long, busy work day, dropping stuff off at a friend’s house, going home to pick up my husband so we could go to a class on acid etching, then going home and crashing from pain and exhaustion. Because my coworker had to be in earlier than I normally do, I ended up back at the office less than twelve hours after I left.
Tonight doesn’t have anything scheduled to go out and do, but it’s getting to the point where I need to do laundry or else I will have no socks, underwear, or scrubs… all of which I will need for tomorrow morning.
I’m going to try increasing the trazodone this weekend to see if I get more solid sleep with a higher dose. I don’t know why none of the sleeping meds I try seem to last more than a few hours before I’m wide awake. Lately I’ve been able to get back to sleep on the couch after a couple of hours, but it’s not much help. I get things done (when my brain is functioning) like writing, sewing, editing, etc, but it’s not adding up to being worth how tired I am later on.
We’ll see how the higher trazodone dose works. See if it makes me too drowsy after only four hours of sleep or if it allows me to sleep for an extended period of time and wake up functional.
If not, I feel like I’m kinda at my wit’s end….
Oh hey, I managed to make a play on words after all! Maybe the Adderall is starting to kick in.
Zeroed in
I have a little over 48 hours to get a research paper finished (I need six pages–with pictures–and so far have one and a half) and an arts project documented (again, six pages with pictures) before our Barony’s Arts and Sciences competition.
I am currently staring at the computer screen like a dumbass, totally unable to focus on much of anything, let alone a coherent paper.
Oh, and in that 48 hours I have a 12 hour shift, an 8+ hour shift (taking my time down to 28 hours), some sleep (we’ll say now 18-20 hours–minimum sleep), 2 days’ worth of commuting (~16-18 hours), getting ready for those shifts (down to ~15-17 hours), and grocery shopping. Possibly other things, because 15-17 hours seems like a lot of time, but with the fact that I have zero focus right now I doubt I’ll actually get 15-17 functional hours of writing in.
How can I write for hours at a time when it comes to a story, but when it comes to the research writing I get bupkiss? It’s not that the material I’m writing about is boring–it’s not–but I just can’t get my brain to stop squirreling. Is that a shiny object? Did that thing over there just move? What’s River doing? Ooh, I need to eat. Okay, now I’ve eaten, now I can concentr–hey, so-and-so’s online. Maybe they’ll have advice on how to focus. Yeah. It’s like that.
I have to finish this stuff before Saturday. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have procrastinated, but that’s my nature and I usually do well in a crunch-time situation. This, though, has me halted. And handwriting it isn’t getting me anywhere, so I have to have my laptop and type it up. There goes using break time to work on it.
Maybe after work today I’ll be able to focus. I gotta get something done. This is driving me crazy. I don’t think I ever had this much trouble writing a research paper in school, and aside from the one I did on themes in comic books in high school all the papers I did in school had way more boring subject material than what I’m working on right now.
The books I read to do the research are mocking me right now. Staring at me with their judgmental book eyes, telling me what better writers their authors are. As if those authors were working with the kind of deadline that I am.
I’ll get this done. I just have to keep telling myself that. And maybe, just maybe, I will. If I can just focus.
Ever the student
Well, it’s getting to Documentation Time for my Arts and Sciences projects, so of course I start with the hardest one: the research paper. I haven’t done a research paper since the last time I was in college–so twelve years. Twelve years rusty. Why did I choose to do a research paper again?
Oh yeah…I had a brilliant idea.
No, I won’t go into it here. I only have two very rough draft paragraphs done, and it’s going to take this whole week to get it done and up to snuff…and to document the arts project. That one should be easier, but first thing’s first.
A lot of people have told me that they do the research first, then the thing. I ended up going backwards on my arts project. I did the embroidery using stitches that I knew to be used in period times; now I have to prove that they were used. D’oh!
With the competition a week away, I have to put Book 2 on hold. I guess that’s a good thing, though, because I’m kinda stuck a bit. Not stuck-stuck, but stuck enough. I’m at that point I usually get to in my writing where I’ve reached the near-end before enough has happened. I have to add more action, more description, and/or more dialogue. I think I’ve dialouged things out, so it’s going to have to be the former two.
I started my research on local media outlets, bookstores, and libraries for Abnormal‘s release, too. There are a lot of libraries in Tucson. I haven’t finished there yet, and I still have Phoenix left to go. I plan on taking one of my half days/partial days at work to start making calls to set up potential appearances/book signings/etc. I want to have the marketing materials in hand though, so I will have to just research until then. Maybe by then I can narrow down where I want to go to plug my book.
The web media sites I haven’t really gotten into yet. I need to, but it’s a bit hard to weed out the clickbait sites and find the real entertainment/book websites. I also have to avoid the “pay to be put on X lists” sites. I want none of those shenanigans.
Proofreading is done, the publisher loves the ending, and things are moving along. I just need to finish my Arts and Sciences writing, finish the second first draft of Book 2, finish a bunch of illumination/scrolls that I said I’d do, and oh, yeah, the arts exchange project and…..I’m probably forgetting something in there. Work! Yeah. I have to work. Damn day job.
I guess that’s enough rambling for now.
Media frenzy
The time has come to research media outlets near me to receive the press kits for Abnormal. 😀
Okay, so the time was probably long ago–the point is, I’m getting ready to do it now, before I head back to work after my vacation. I’ve got a browser window open to locate the various Arizona media outlets I may want to contact and a blank Word document open to receive those outlets’ contact information.
Except…I don’t really know where to start.
Okay, so I did have a starting point yesterday when I first did a search, but that starting point was a costly one. Sure, I could’ve had the contact info for whichever media outlet in Arizona I chose–or all of them–for a cost, that is. The site I found was not a free resource. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
I know I want to promote in my local town, as well as the larger areas like Tucson and Phoenix (especially Tucson, seeing as how I’ll be attending one of their conventions in the fall), but beyond that I’m clueless. How far am I willing to travel to promote? Would I even need to travel? And what about online outlets like Talk Nerdy With Us, Starry Constellation Mag, and others? They would be great resources for reaching my audience, too. I already know one of my old friends at Talk Nerdy who would like to do a read for review, and possibly someone at Starry Constellation. I have to go through the proper channels, though; I can’t just say “Hey, remember me? I wrote for you a time or two–how about you give this here book to one of your reviewers and have them type up a little something-something for me?” Yeah, that’s not very professional. Not gonna fly, much as I would like to pull a string here or there.
It’s kind of exciting to think about potentially being on the receiving end of a review or interview. I had a review done of Whispers of Death the day I self published it, but that was definitely a string-pulling event. “Hey, guys, I wrote and published a thing–somebody go read and review it!” Exciting though it may be, I tend to also get nervous when I think about phone or radio interviews. I tend to stammer and stutter, and my voice is weird in recordings. All high-pitched and girly, not at all how I hear it when it comes out of my mouth. Is that what I really sound like? And that machine-gun nervous laugh I have? Geez.
It’s gotta be done, though. I have to grin and bear it and not worry so much about how I sound. Worry about promoting the book, about getting word out there, about getting Abnormal to those who would enjoy the story.